My phobia was? and this is how I got rid of it…

Agoraphobia

 Do you feel like even the things you like to are difficult?  are you shutting yourself off from family and friends?

Is going to the supermarket a challenge?  Do you notice your circle of friends and family is getting smaller and smaller?

Does your heart pound with panic over the simplest task like going to the post office?  You can function at work but if anyone ever found out this about you they wouldn't believe it?  I cant' stand large crowds of people, keeping you from events? When you know the answer you are more likely not to speak up if there is a lot of people around.?  Is it hard to decide just what to wear so you change three times before you leave.. just to make sure you have on the right clothes?  put off a task outside to the last minute because of the anxiety it causes in you mind and body? Making new friends is hard because it's hard to keep plans with them due to anxiety?

you know people are watching everything you do and are waiting for you to fuck up!

I had all these issues and more it got so severe that I would not leave the house for days and mostly that was just to go to work.

I will share how I got over this and cured myself of it. I never thought my life would be this awesome, I never thought it was attainable I guess I just excepted that my life was going to be just the way it was full of anxiety.

Without meds and physic treatment  I figured out what it was and how to fix it..

  I will share with you in the near future.                                                                           Author     Unknown...

Is this it? Is this the way it's going to be for the rest of my life?

 

  This is the questions I asked myself and I was ready to settle on the answer to be yes it is..

  This has been going on for a few years I am in my mid-twenties now and hope to be a foster parent someday so getting professional help was not an option. I didn't want to be tagged with a mental illness. Keep in mind this was thirty years ago and this was not talked about like it is today.

  I am so lonely because I have sheltered myself so much and have cut myself off from the world it feels like.. If I had to go to the post office to mail a letter I would wait until the last minute to do it.. making excuses all day until I absolutely had to go.. This would also interfere with my mood it would make me mad and on the edge because I hated the idea of having to do something in public. Going to the grocery store was a challenge in itself.  Everything was becoming a challenge that had to do with leaving the house and going into public. I needed to get some relief, I needed to figure this out.. and I knew I was on my own.  So the next day I was going to start to find a way out...

Fear was the MONSTER and I was out to face it..

 I want to live inside myself and be at peace.

 

  It was funny how I could mask it all with alcohol or drugs but I couldn't keep myself in that state of mind either.  The alcohol and drugs keep the uncomfortable feelings at bay for awhile and for those moments I was the most confident person around and on top of the world. able to bullshit myself about my situation and the real thoughts that went through my head. Now I was fun loving and free spirited until it wore off and then I was back to fuck city.

   So I wake up and start my day but today will be different not that I know it yet, the things I do today will change my life like I never imagined. Until this day I live free from my past anxiety that would haunt my soul.   Today I am still free over 30 yrs later.                           

   

  

My Healing process…

                                                                                                                                                               I woke up and new that the out come might not be what I really want but any relief was going to be great .. if it was possible. I couldn't afford professional help so here I go on my own.

       The task of the day... Grocery story trip. 

   It's on my mind I have a few things I need to get and I have put it off long enough, Don't wait to go , Go now.!   I grab my keys and jump in my truck and keep a mental note of staying in the moment and trying to keep aware of all physical and mental reactions.  As they are happening to try to figure out WHY!    Off I go.. I notice I am very tunnel visioned and my heart is starting to race more I'm trying not to attract any attention to myself for the fear of being I'm public is mostly the attention one draws to there self.. 

    I notice people looking in my truck and wondering why there looking at me.. as I get closer to the store I notice it's not the store but the task. Any task the closer I would get to it the more nervous I  would get.   OK.  I'm here. I get out and head on in and notice my palms are sweating and my heart is beating stronger but not enough to make me turn around..  I do realize at this point this is why I have mood swings sometimes it's because I get pissed off because I have to do something that makes me uncomfortable. Now I think of the other people that had to put up with me because of it.. and they didn't know why.   I feel bad for that and now that makes this task and venture for a cure more important to me now.                                                  I walk in.

 

Big or small spiders or any type of spider FUCKS ME UP!

Fear of flying

      The first thing I do is go for a cart and head to the vegetable section as I do I pass a lady and her young son he was probably about 9 or 10  as I walk by I notice she was whispering something to him it felt like it was something probably bad about me.  I continue and I notice now that my nerves are peaking my palm are sweating and now everything seems to be tunnel visioned. I continue to get potatoes and I see a lady over by the salad dressings picking one out from what I can see she looks like a mean bitch.  I avoid making eye contact and continue over to the tomatoes there I notice some teenagers heading over there laughing and joking around probably laughing at me teenagers can be cruel  I tell myself. Now I am getting angry and just waiting for one of them to say the wrong thing when they pass.  On the other side of the tomatoes, there is a young couple picking out lemons there going to notice something about what I'm wearing I really didn't put a lot of effort into it and I just know there going to make fun of me to each other.   I wish I didn't have to do this today.   OK STOP!    FEEL IT!  open your eyes and take note of the moment that is happening.  and I do.  Boy was I in for a surprise when I stood there and looked around without judgment.